In my long journey of battling anxiety and depression, I think one of the biggest things I really needed to hear in this struggle was, “Kyle, you are not alone.” But I wouldn’t reach out to people because of shame and embarrassment. People who struggle with anxiety and depression tend to hide it and if you are like me, this can make you feel like you are the only one on the planet who struggles with it, which is obviously far from the truth. This creates loneliness and isolation and that’s when it can be dangerous.
I have to believe that many of you need to hear this. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Many of you need to reach out to others who suffer through this. Don’t let your shame keep you isolated. If you need someone to talk to, give me a call. Let’s go to lunch. I want to be there for people who struggle because I know how truly difficult it is to deal with anxiety and depression.
Today I want to share the story of my struggle because I want to give people hope who need to hear it, and also, I think I need to come out of the shadows of my struggle because I am certainly guilty of hiding because of shame, and no good has come out of doing that. It is my hope that I will get to connect with many of you who do struggle, so we can encourage each other to live out this life in confidence and in faith in our walk with Jesus.
Here is my story.
The first time I remember experiencing major anxiety was when I was around 6 or 7 and it was my first time to ever spend the night away from home with my first friend in the neighborhood. I was having a great time until he started joking around and telling me that there were robbers outside. I wouldn’t have known it at the time, but what I experienced was a full blown panic attack and I called my parents to come pick me up. This happened over and over when I would try to spend the night out. Back then, I just thought that I was a homesick kid and sure, I guess I was, but it was much more than that. The reason I know this is because I would have major anxiety whenever I would stay away from home, whether it was at camp, a friend’s house, or just going out of town all the way through high school and even into college. After I turned my life around and started following Jesus, I wanted to prove to myself that I could overcome this, so I went by myself to Brazil for my mission internship. Big mistake. I was stuck in a foreign country and there was nothing I could do about it. My panic lasted the entire time I was there. I thought I was going to die. It was truly traumatizing. I was ashamed of myself and I was also jealous that so many missionaries, “real missionaries,” could go anywhere.
As a child, anxiety didn’t just happen when I spent the night out. It could happen anywhere I went. School was one of those places. Especially as a small child. I hated school. I struggled in school. I struggled with learning disabilities. It made me feel different than all of the normal kids. Of course I got diagnosed with ADHD, but it was so much more than that. Imagine being a little kid and you’re scared to even go to school. My anxiety levels were extremely high, but that is just difficult to diagnose. I didn’t know what was going on in me and it was difficult to explain to anyone else.
Of course anyone with anxiety and depression knows that they usually go together. One followed closely by the other. Anxiety is exhausting, and mental exhaustion causes depression. As a small child I remember feeling extremely down and as I got older to junior high and high school, that feeling didn’t go away. That’s when I started acting out and finding coping mechanisms, which was usually doing things that I shouldn’t have been doing and creating some alternate persona that I guess gave me an identity. I didn’t want to be the shy guy. The quiet guy. The scared guy. So I decided to be the tough guy. I would get in a lot of fights, act tough, show people how strong and intimidating I could be. But deep down inside, that tough guy persona was far from the truth. I am sure that most people who knew me in junior high and high school would say I was kind of crazy, out of control, whatever you want to call it. But the truth was, I was just a scared little kid, most of the time dealing with incredible anxiety and depression and all of that behavior was me just acting out in my misery. I was suffering and nobody knew it. I didn’t even know it. Sad I know. I want to grab that kid and just give him a hug.
I so wish that I had the empathy back then that I do now. How quick we all are to judge others, especially when we were kids, without considering what other people were going through in their personal lives. I judged others without giving it a second thought. We all probably did. Oh how I wish I would have known then what I know now, that most people are struggling with something, and we need to have empathy and compassion towards others. I wish I could go back in time and give everyone grace and just give people a bunch of hugs all day long in school. Now that would have been a different Kyle Jenkins! That’s for sure.
In my late teens and early twenties, the anxiety and depression only got worse. Like so many of us, I had to deal with the death of two of my classmates and very close friends, which is so devastating to deal with for anyone. (I would encourage you to go read that piece I wrote if you have ever struggled with losing a loved one. You can find it on our website or in the link below. The name of it is, “How Katie and Megan Changed Our Lives Forever.” https://lovingallpeoples.com/how-katie-and-megan-changed-our-lives-forever/) After they passed away, I was in a really dark place for about 3 years, and out of that darkness and pain is where I started to truly follow Jesus. I am lucky to be alive and I even am grateful for that darkness, that anxiety, and that depression, because it drove me to Jesus.
I don’t fully remember, but maybe I thought the anxiety and depression would just go away because of my new life change. It certainly did for a while because everything was new and exciting. I had my new faith. I had a brand new spiritual family. I had also met Melissa which was obviously incredibly exciting and we got to learn how to follow Jesus together.
I decided to go back to school, Bible college this time. I truly wanted to prove to myself that I could be a good student if I applied myself, and I did for sure. I made the Dean’s List. Straight A’s. I had never been so proud. But during this time, I knew my anxiety wasn’t gone and my depression was up and down as usual.
During the past 25 years of ministry, I have had some incredible seasons and amazing adventures. But I have also had some of the most difficult times in my life. I have had to fight through some very scary times. Ministry is hard. Dealing with people’s problems and brokenness can be challenging and even emotionally traumatizing. Comparing myself to big ministries and big churches can be a killer. Being a small ministry and raising money can be really difficult and stressful. My anxiety and depression can spiral real fast if I am not careful. At times, I can truly be suffering and it can be mentally exhausting and confusing.
Confusing because why me? I have a great life. I have an amazing wife and 5 wonderful kids. I have a great relationship with Jesus. What do I have to complain about? That’s the deal with anxiety and depression, sometimes it has nothing to do with your circumstances. It is just part of you, your make up, and you have to deal with it. I have thought many times, “Why can’t I be normal?” It seems like the older I get, the worse it can become because I should have figured it out by now. I am a follower of Jesus. I am a missionary. This would bring great shame on me at times.
I have gone to counseling many times, met with doctors, pastors, spiritual leaders, and have been prayed over a hundred times. The last several years, I have changed my diet, consistently exercised and gotten into functional medicine and that has been very helpful. I am scared to death of antidepressants because I am extremely sensitive to medication. It’s just not for me right now. If it is for you, then that’s great.
I am flawed, that’s for sure. With what I do in ministry, the last thing I want people to think is that I am a super Christian. I am certainly not. I just believe that Jesus uses me despite my flaws.
I sometimes get jealous when I meet people who seem not to struggle with anxiety and depression. Sometimes this makes it very difficult to relate with others, with the people who seem to have it all together. I am sure this is one of the reasons that I can so relate with hurting and broken people and it is much easier to connect with them.
Most of the time when I am in public I hide my struggles, because of the shame and negative stigmas that come with it. Today if I pass you or encounter you, and I am not that talkative, maybe I look a little sad, shut off, anxious or stressed, chances are that I am dealing with anxiety and depression at that moment. It’s kind of freeing to talk about. Maybe now I won’t have to hide it or overcome it in social situations. It’s truly exhausting at times! Maybe now that I am open about it, people might give me a little more grace when I need it. Maybe if you knew me growing up, you might give me some grace for the way I acted. It would be my hope that we all would do this for each other. For those from our past and for those who we cross paths with today.
Now that I have told you my story, let me get into the hope part. I have prayed through this hundreds of times. I have begged God to take away my anxiety and depression, but He never has. Naturally my question to Him is always, “Why?” I feel like He has given me the answer. But that answer takes a lot of faith to believe. It takes faith to believe that there is a purpose in it all. It takes great trust on my part. I am not saying this is for you, He might have a completely different path for you. I am just sharing what God has shown me. But if you relate, my hope is that it gives you hope and a vision for a new way to live.
Here is what He has shown me.
Number one. My anxiety and depression keep me extremely close to Jesus and that is a blessing. It is more than a blessing. It is the greatest blessing in the world. I am close to Jesus! And knowing that I am close to Jesus is an amazing feeling and gives me great comfort. I am so lucky and blessed.
I often tell people, if I don’t have Jesus, I simply won’t make it. I immerse myself into the Bible. I talk to Him throughout my day. I constantly have to have an eternal focus. My mind is in Heaven, therefore it shapes my reality, which is to follow Him at all costs and to participate in His mission. I don’t just choose to follow Jesus. I have to follow Jesus!
I am convinced that if I didn’t battle with anxiety and depression, then I wouldn’t have this relationship with Jesus and I certainly wouldn’t be doing what I am doing today in ministry. I wouldn’t be the husband and father that I am. It is a blessing, but again, oftentimes it takes faith to believe it.
As a minister of the gospel for so many years, I run into a lot of people, and it’s the broken and hurting people who are usually the most open and hungry for Jesus. Isn’t that how it was in the gospels? The people who don’t experience brokenness and hurt, who think they have everything they need, who seem like they have it all together, are often the ones who are not open to Jesus in my experience. So what does that say? Brokenness, pain, and suffering create an openness to Jesus, so be thankful.
Of course, I am not saying that you have to be miserable to know Jesus. But seeing this suffering as a blessing or a gift is another way to look at it. Story after story in the Bible describes broken people with broken stories coming to Jesus.
The second thing that God showed me is this. It gives me incredible empathy and compassion for others, especially for hurting and broken people. This drives my personal life and my ministry. I am so drawn to broken people. I seek them out. I look for them. I can’t stand the thought that hurting people are suffering alone. It drives me to take the gospel to all people. To give them hope. Therefore I find people all of the time who have a hunger to know Jesus, and I have had the amazing privilege to participate in the mission of Jesus to see lives transformed. There is nothing like it!
My pain and my suffering has given me the two things most needed in this life: relationship with Jesus and participating in His mission through loving and reaching people.
I want this for you, but you have to grab onto Him. You have to choose to truly follow Him. You have to surrender your dreams, your goals, your life fully to Him, but I promise you, you won’t regret it. You will have Jesus.
I want to finish with this. Psalm 139:13-18
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that fully well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
My friend, you are uniquely, fearfully, and wonderfully made. He loves using broken people. He created you for a great purpose and that purpose is there for the taking. Right in front of you. To know Him, to follow Him, and to participate in His mission on this earth. Believe it.
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